Did I leave a light on

I carried a flame
It almost scorched me to death
Or maybe I did die
Time and time again, believing I could live forever in Love
I am not from this world nor from the next
Yet I bleed just the same as you do
Red
My pulse hot and heavy from the heat in my veins
Always so eager
So ready 
So willing
To be here

Now I no longer feel at place
Or so it seems –
Was I ever?

What happened to my innocence
I don’t know where to go
Have lost my sense of self
My sense of direction
My sense of sanity
Dignity?

Everything I seemed to cling to
Everything I believed in
Let myself be guided by
Has faded away
Has crumbled to ashes

Is this life?
Is this death?

Is this what You meant for me?
Are You preparing me for something better?
Am I further being torn to pieces
Rendered to shreds, or less?
Whereas I thought I was recollecting myself
Remembering You
Through each and every encounter!

What do You want from me then
What would You have me do
If nothing I have done seems to be right?
Doors are closing in front of me
I feel I am being excluded
No longer part of what seemed so important

Are You purposefully undoing me
Remaking me
Remoulding me
Making me as new?

Is this life?
Is this death?

I fear I will lose myself
I fear I am losing this game
I thought I finally understood the rules,
But I was wrong
So very fucking wrong

I feel more lost than ever

Is this hell?
Living wishing I was not?

The sin in that
The waste
What for
What for??

The rage
The anger
It bites
It burns
The pain
The tears!

I am going places I have never been before –
No longer recognise myself
Is there anybody out there?
Is there anything else to hold onto?
Am I meant to be suspended,
Betwixt and between
If at all?

Did I leave a light on?